If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I will be naked everywhere
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
