the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
