Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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