He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
