PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
