Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
