So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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