Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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