If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
