Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
