when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
