I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
