I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
