mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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