remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
