The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
