The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
