I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize