well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
