so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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