Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
