Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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