So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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