Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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