I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
