i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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