Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
