I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
