I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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