I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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