booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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