I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
