He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
