So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
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I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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