Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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