Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
