what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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