I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
