I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
