Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just cropdusted the office
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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