Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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