She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
