i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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