some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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