I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
