i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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