Soap is not a condiment
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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