I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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