yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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