Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
