i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
