At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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