matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
