so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
