i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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