I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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