On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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